Your secret is safeish with me
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I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
“We’re a completely paperless office.”
Wow, that’s really cool.
[Later, staring at iPad dispenser in bathroom]
Well this sucks.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I don’t hate you, but if you we’re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
Sober me will always have your back.Drunk me will convince you to get a tattoo of a unicorn doing a dolphin over a rainbow on your back.
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
If you’re ever wondering if you and your spouse are on the same page fold a large blanket together. You’ll have your answer quickly.
Her: is the game almost over?
Me: this is just the first half
Her: uggghh how many more halves are there?
Me: you’re pretty
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌