If you see someone wearing camouflage clothing, bump into them.
It only takes a second of your time & it makes them feel like it works.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
My tumbleweed is never where I left it.
FRIEND: Hey, how are you doing?
ME (who goes to a lot of concerts): Wooooo.
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
[driving home in silence]
me: all i said was her husband was a really down-to-earth guy
gf: they were lowering his coffin
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
{In class}
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
“Thanks for coming. We’ll let you know.”
*stands up, trips, headbutts interviewer*
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
My 2yo put her lamp in a different room because it “needs a vacation.”