[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
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My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
walgreen’s cashier: how’s your evening going?
me: WELL IM BUYING LICE SHAMPOO HERE RACHEL SO NOT TOO GREAT SO FAR
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
*stepping on the moon’s surface wearing socks* Oh god dammit
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.
when ur a kid the only thing ur worst enemy has to do is find a word that rhymes with ur name and ur cooked. one time my friend’s nemesis called him michael michael motorcycle and he was messed up for days. it didn’t matter how cool motorcycles are. it rhymed. he was toast
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Went braless for a quick trip to the store…ran into 3 exes, 5 celebrities, my mother-in-law, her church group, a live reporting TV news crew, and Jesus.
Driving down the road and saw my ex-wife. Funny how “I’d hit that” changes meaning over the years
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
13YO: Why’s he happy? He got dog-piled.
Me: He made a lot of groundage before getting put down.
Husband: Yardage. Tackled. PLEASE LEAVE.
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Meow meow meow
[Wife comes home early]
MEOW!
*cats scramble to untie me from the torture rack*
THELMA I TOLD YOU THE CATS HATE ME I TOLD YOU
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit