Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
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[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My 1yo has been crawling around with a croissant in her hand all morning. Not eating it, just clutching it. I think it’s her Emotional Support Croissant.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
I’m not really thought of as an outdoorsy guy but the truth is I have been outdoors many times and really liked it
Let’s ask the Ouija board a question. Is my wife’s meatloaf good? *pointer moves to NO* You see, Debra? No I did not move it myself
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
Oh panic attacks,I thought you said pancake attacks because I have those all the time.
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I’m at the dentist. They put a bib on me and left.
Are they preparing lobster? I hope they are preparing lobster.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
I wonder how many times Batman had to rub one out in the Batmobile after fighting with Catwoman
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified