crochet youtube is brutal
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facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
It’s actually Dr. whatever
When McDonalds drive thru say they ain’t got what you want but youre stuck in the line- is this the walk of mcshame?
I can’t decide whether or not I should do laundry or just buy another hamper.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
My 5 year old set up the lemonade stand all by himself and, while I’m proud of him, I doubt he’ll make a lot of sales in the backyard.
As the Lord intended
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Whoa 😂
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
Teachers: You can’t write an essay in a night. Exam: Write an essay in two hours.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
That’s it. The next time a relative asks me if I have a boyfriend, I’m going to say “no, I’m just sleeping around”.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
Potatoes were such a good idea