First date idea.
Pick your favorite pizza place, and send one to my house.
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I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
My baby reminds me of Freddy Kruger: he’s got long, sharp fingernails, is most terrifying at night, and forces you to survive on no sleep.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”
other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.
me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Being an adult is bullshit. Babies get praised for being able to hold their heads up on their own like bravo your neck works, stupid baby
Dear law students: my opposing counsel just asked her witness how old she was when she turned 18. You’ll be fine.
Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.
How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.