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My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
5: I love this pizza. can you marry food?
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
Hey “La La Land” remember when you gave us that fake happy ending and then took it away
How’s it feel
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
*throws nickel at grandpa*
I need more magic ear money.
I’m giving up spellcheck for Lant
Basically.
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Has anyone tried putting all the Wordle answers together to see if they spell out a warning
Q: What kind of dinosaur loves sleep?
A: All of them! They will never wake up now.
*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Honest job interview:
“What are your strengths?”
“I put a lot of effort into looking like I know what I’m doing”
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
No Amazon, I don’t want to sort stuff by “Price: High to Low,” who are the billionaires who would even make that an option?
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
Kim Kardashian’s birthday is today AND she got engaged to Kanye West! It’s almost like it was made for TV! Wait….
“We can argue all day about the rights and wrongs, Barbara, but it won’t change the fact that we’re out of toilet paper”