Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
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Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
wut hotdog?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
But that’s none of my business
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
There should be an Amazon driver at the Mall during the holidays so adults can sit on their lap and tell them what they want
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Spelling matters. My husband texted me that we’re very low on time.
Thyme. He meant thyme.
if I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text, I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
*corruptly eats pizza with a spork*
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.