Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
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houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Relax lady, I don’t want your husband.
I just want the sandwich he’s eating.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
Cop:Do you know why I pulled you over Miss?
Me:[takes a quick suck off helium balloon] No officer why?
Cop:Lol, nevermind
Can we stop making up bullshit words like ‘peopling’ and ‘taxes’?
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Nice try, NASA
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
My mom could not make it over for dinner tonight…. Anyone want to come over and sit at the other end of the table and keep yelling out “stop eating so fast Tony”
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
watching silence of the lambs, when i saw it as a teenager it was obviously a film about a cannibal killer guy but watching it again now it’s about a woman being leered at by creepy guys from all angles except the psycho killer guy who is genuinely interested in her as a person
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no