Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
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The acute panic of my child going to hunt for batteries in my bedroom.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
I ate so much bread yesterday, I checked Web MD to make sure that I couldn’t end up with a yeast infection.
babe what’s wrong you’ve barely touched any of your triceramisu
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Convince people you’re an international spy or drug dealer by snapping your phone in half after finishing a call
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
signs you’re dating an angel:
– skin made of smooth marble
– thousands of eyes that emit lasers
– wings violently displace tons of air
– 13,000 trumpets constantly
– peaceful sense of impending doom
– giant chalice overflowing with acid
– texts you good morning
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
*gets called abnormal*
*checks for normal abs*
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.