When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
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I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
The opposite of having in-laws over is having outlaws over which is also a lot like having in-laws over.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
Sober or not if a cop ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
Flight attendant: all we’ve got to watch is air bud
Me: I know how windows work pal
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.