Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
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*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I had the best time at the carnival last night until a local told me that burned down thirty years ago.
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
“Good morning please could I have one human ticket to the water park”
Sir are you a shark in disguise?
*sharks fake eyebrows slide off*
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Me: ‘Bless me Father for I have sinned.’
Priest: ‘How long since your last confession, my son?’
Me: ‘About 45 minutes.’
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Removed my spanx slip and accidentally ricocheted myself into the neighbors backyard.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
[Me as a Realtor]
BUYERS: this is a great house, what’s the catch?
ME: Well, it is a bit.. [cant think of the word haunted] ghost encrusted
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Kids, stay in school and get a good degree so you can spend 40% of your life on conference calls
[interview]
Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.