My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
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Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
Executioner : Due to the power-cut we’ll be using the acoustic chair.
I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
My neighbors have been calling for their cat for 15 minutes. I’ve been meowing out the window for 30.
I almost just turned down a beer.
Calm down, I said almost.
kitchen magnet
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
wife [whispers] Josh
me
wife *nudges me* Josh
me: Huh? What?
wife: You were explaining the plot to Space Jam in your sleep again
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
If Die Hard is a Christmas movie, then a sleeveless vest is perfectly suitable attire for dinner with your mother, Sharon.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
My favorite genre of tweet is “person born after I graduated college feels old”
A tall guy in movie theater just sat in front of me and he’s on a date so he’s going to have good posture the whole time this sucks
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
When a woman asks you to smell something, it usually smells good.
Men on the other hand…