What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
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My muscle memory: Remember when we had abs?
Me: *presses “Continue” on Netflix
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
This bar smells like my childhood.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
Stalkers drive by your house…
I actively pursue my passion and show up with tacos and beer.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
i meant to share this earlier
2023 was just a warmup
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream