Accidentally left my shopping list on the kitchen bench so had to rely on memory. Came home with a tub of icecream & a pony.
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Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
My new dentist called me back in to make another mold of my teeth. Needless to say he made a terrible 1st impression.
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Keeping 6 ft away from me may protect you from my germs, but you’ll need to be a lot farther than that to avoid the glare from my heavily-sequined Christmas sweater.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
The fact that there are space cowboys implies that there are space cows and that’s why I haven’t slept in 4 days.
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
The hiring manager calling me for an interview just said uhm about 300 times. Does that mean I got the job?
I’m not a doctor, which is why I’m able to offer surgeries for so much less than my competitors.
Your secret is safeish with me
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.