Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
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Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Marriage is about understanding what irritates your spouse and using it strategically.
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
Marriage 1st Year.
Husband: Hey, beautiful, I’ve got candles lit and sexy music, ready for a night of romance?
Me: *blushes*Marriage 6th Year:
Husband: The kids are asleep, wanna have sex real quick?
Me: I literally just poured the milk on my cereal.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Back to school sale prices are so cheap. I’m getting all of my Christmas shopping done.
25 cent rulers for everyone!
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.