I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
I hope someday you’ll find it in your heart to murder me.
my friend accidentally liked someone’s very old photo on instagram when she was doing a deep scroll, panicked, n immediately CHANGED HER NAME AND PHOTO ON INSTAGRAM LIKE ASSUMED AN ENTIRELY NEW IDENTITY N GAVE HERSELF A NAME LIKE FRANK B. JONES JUST SO THE PERSON WOULDN’T NOTICE
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Executioner: say your last words
Me: your last words
Executioner: I’m gonna enjoy this one
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
Is it wrong, to put people on your bucket list?
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
I’m starting to think my wife is only having sex with me to improve her FitBit stats.