Bought a chicken to make sandwiches. It doesn’t. It shits on the floor.
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These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
Tea without sugar isn’t “unsweetened tea”.
It’s. Just. Tea.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
I have to go to a birthday dinner for someone I don’t like much, so I plan on bringing up politics right away so I can go home early.
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
“2:00! Are you ready for the movie?!?” my son asked. I was not, I told him, not even close. His mom had taught him to tell time. He had taught himself to set the alarm on his watch. But it would be up me to teach him the critical difference between AM and PM.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
I went for a hill walk in the rain yesterday. Anyway long story short, I can still do the splits
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
*throws keys at nearest sober person*
DRIVE ME HOME PEASANT
OBI WAN KENOBI: These are not the droids you’re looking for
GUARD: [licks lips] I’m not looking for droids handsome
I just figured out how to deal with a situation that I was thrown into in 1978.