computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
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Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
How badly am I doing? I’m considering pretending to have a podcast so I can ask my internet crush to come on it
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
oh shit
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
The 5 Most Important Films (and the Life Lessons They Teach)
1. Armageddon (space is scary)
2. Jaws (the ocean is scary)
3. Terminator 2 (the future is scary)
4. My Girl (bees are scary)
5. Weekend at Bernie’s (putting sunglasses on a corpse and taking him jet-skiing is fun!)
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
“Wheres the goddamn pizzas?”
Me: Check the pizza tracker.
*bends down, touches ground*
“A pizza will walk here before the moon is full.”
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Sure, everyone SAYS they want a painless death but when the guy shows up to give you one you start whining.
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone
sorry vacation place with the underwater tunnels, i’ve seen jaws 3.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.