Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
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My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
*holding flashlight to face*
And then I pressed……update all.
*children screaming*
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
[blind date]
HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets
ME: Oh wow, me too!
HER: Really?
ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
A man offered to help me put my groceries in the car & I was all like, “Nice try, Ted Bundy.”
Judge: On the charge of murder, how do you plead?
Me: *holds up Monopoly “get out of jail free” card*
Judge: Case dismissed.
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
bitcoin? isn’t that how people checked if gold was real?
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
Ain’t no mountain high enough
Ain’t no valley low enough
Ain’t no high-security psychiatric hospital strong enough
To keep me from yooou
[on a date]
Her: *sneezes*
Me: God-
Her: *sneezes* Thank you
Me: -dammit, what’s taking the food so long?
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
When I’m mad at my kids I like to sing the wrong lyrics to the music as I rage clean just to piss them off. That way we can all be mad at each other.