Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
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I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Cartoons were better when people got anvils dropped on them and accidentally smoked dynamite like cigars.
Do not steal food from the science building!
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
❤️🦆
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
This is the one
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
-How much for the inflatable cat?
-Sir that’s bagpipes.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.