“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
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“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
having a king is going to take some getting used to. we’re used to our monarch moving as far as they want in any direction but now it’s just one square at a time. much higher chance of being killed by a horse
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
Hung my Christmas lights on the house across the street so I can see them.
LOOOOOOL
Closing time, son
“Huh?”
You don’t have to go home but you can’t stay here
“But I live here Dad”
*Dad stares at me*
Don’t forget your Xbox
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Why do meditation exercises always start by telling me to close my eyes? How am I gonna read the rest of the instructions?! 😆
I have to find the recorder the school sent home last year, or something terrible will happen. The school will send home another recorder.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry