Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
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Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Hell hath no fury like a toddler wants to “do it herself.”
Three hours later, I’m still waiting for her to get out of the car.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
Where have you been all of my life and can you please go back there.
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I impose tariffs on my children by taking a bite of each Poptart before I hand it to them, and let me tell you, the markets don’t like it
I just wish I was rich enough to be able to throw all of the pots and pans away after I cook.
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
Remember when all we had to worry about was a little poop on our lettuce?
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
how do i become less stubborn? i’m willing to try nothing
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
[uses 225 gallons of water to clean out peanut butter jar for recycling]
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.