every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I have a Chewbacca bathrobe and didn’t shave my legs so I’d have pants to match.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
– Are you even listening to me?
– Of course I am
– Ok, what did I just ask you?
– If I’m listening to you
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
could a mosquito drink blood out of a cup or something or are they legally required to capri sun my legs all summer
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
ME: (signing) What color are apples?
BOBO THE GORILLA: (signing) Please free me from this prison
ME: (writing) Still struggling with colors
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?