When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
You Might Also Like
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
[harry potter at an interview]
interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes
harry: that’s correct, sir
interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
*sends ex’s coordinates to wayward rocket*
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
If you believe a food is 0 calories hard enough, it becomes true.
Follow me for more health advice
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Technology: the world is at your fingertips, you can accomplish anything!
Twitter: nope
*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
[zombie movie set]
Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”
*actors look around confused as heck*
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.