No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
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scientist: I’m gonna watch people sleep and count how many spiders they eat in a year
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
[Séance]
*knock, knock*
ME: Wh-who’s there?
[ouija board spells out A-T-C-H]
ME: atch who?
[spells out B-L-E-S-S-Y-O-U]
ME: Dammit, Grandpa!
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I need a Valentine’s Day card that says, “Sorry we keep almost-divorcing during the pandemic.”
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
“so, have you ever done a job interview over the phone before?”
[over vigorous peeing] no, this will be a first
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
Well well well, if it isn’t the “Mom, can I spend the night at my friend’s house after prom” trick.
Definition of awkward: USPS, UPS, and FedEx making online shopping deliveries all at the same time.. just as my husband pulls in the driveway.
“what qualifications do u have to work as a zookeeper?”
*slides resume across desk*
“I think this speaks for itself”“sir…that’s a parrot”