I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
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Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
When you stumble across a penny on the ground it can mean several different things:
*a deceased relative is trying to get your attention
*you’re headed in the right direction, keep going
*someone dropped a penny
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
6, during a homeschool lesson: Mommy, Grandma says it’s a good thing you didn’t become a teacher…
Me: Well, Grandma’s probably right.
6:…but that you should have done SOMETHING with your life.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
Me, a good parent: Oliver we talked about this [wrestling coat onto a walrus] u can still catch a cold despite your thick layer of blubber
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.
Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.