HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
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“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me – Yes hit me Daddy
Boxing opponent – Dude stop please
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
In the hierarchy of my office, I was Pam for so many years that it’s hard to accept that I am now firmly Phyllis even though she’s obviously the coolest
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
Don’t take this wrong but if I see another baby Star Wars character I’m gonna dismember everyone
When my kids aren’t listening to me I just yell ignore me! And then I feel better that they’re finally listening.
you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
NOAH’S GOOGLE HISTORY
1) What is an ark?
2) How 2 build ark
3) Can god just build ark?
4) Are snakes necessary?
5) Is god real or am I high?
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
My well-meaning colleague was extolling the virtues of Vitamin D supplementation to me by saying “Most of us need more D than we’re getting and it’s almost impossible for us to get enough D naturally so we need to get our D from other sources” and I kept SUCH A STRAIGHT FACE
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
Des Moines Police having a normal one
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Let’s tell the truth cell phone. I don’t have six missed calls. I have six ignored calls.
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
*holds up bread* this is my body
*holds up wine* this is my blood
*holds up fire* and this is my mixtape
Interviewer: Can we call your former employer for a reference?
Me: Not if you’re considering me for the job.