*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
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very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
Friend without kids: I’m so tired.
Me, drinking coffee from a bowl: Yeah OK
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
The only real importance in life is getting ahead.
Head. I meant to say head.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
I am HOWLING at this
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
0 torches: this is the correct amount for most situations
1 torch: ok if you’re exploring a cave
2+ torches: something bad is happening
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
If you feel the need to throw American cheese at something, aim for the trash.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
Interviewer: so where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I would say my biggest weakness is listening.
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan