I just want to live in a world where stupid people don’t knock on a locked bathroom door shouting, “anyone in there?!”
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6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.
Let your kids play tetris all day so they develop the required skills to park at Trader Joe’s.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
I found your tweet-up…
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
Owl Sanctuary