Who called them riverboat casinos and not dealerships?
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heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
At my age, my passwords are protected by amnesia.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
Called in, “Didn’t realize this eyeliner was permanent” this morning.
me: *barges into the room*
how dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
Sorry for the things I said when my sock got twisted up in my shoe.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
What does the Tooth Fairy do with all those teeth?
She sell them to Big Toothpaste. They mash them up and tube it. So when you brush you’re putting teeth back onto your teeth.
The 5th dentist knows this but no one will listen.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.
It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT