Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
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Flock of bats
I only eat vegetarians.
Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.
[hell]
-What are you in for?
-Rape, murder. You?
-I invented web ads that make you wait to skip past them.
-[backing away] That’s messed up.
To my American friends: On Sunday, don’t forget to set your clocks back one hour. On Tuesday, try not to set your country back 50 years.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
Good morning to everyone except people that sit right beside me when there are lots of other seats open.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
Her: “Your funny”
Me: “…. Uh ya… this isn’t gonna work”
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
“Objection your honor, the defense is badg-”
BADGERING THE WITNESS! JINX! You can’t talk.
*Judge gives a respectful nod* “Case dismissed.”
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
*puts my mental health in rice
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.