Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
You Might Also Like
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
scares
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
Turns out men don’t like being asked when their due date is either
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
Bit into a beautiful looking strawberry, but it was actually rotten
Anyway, thought of you
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.