wife: you said you were going to organize the garage during the pandemic
me: I said NEXT pandemic
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“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
Microwave:
Me: *waves back*
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
me: jim it was a joke
sheriff: [crying at his desk] w-what
me: there isnt a new sheriff in town, this is just a starfish i stuck to my shirt
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Glad I hooked up a subwoofer so the kids can watch TikTok compilations on YouTube with bass that frightens the cat.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
When the insurance company wants a diagram of the accident…👇
Festive Fact: Women who put on weight over the festive period are 98% more likely to live longer than their partners who point it out.
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time