Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.
You Might Also Like
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Beware of the dog..
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
[talking to son on the phone]
“I ran away 3 weeks. You never called the police”
I’m sorry. We’ve been very busy with the holidays and all.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Scooby Doo led me to believe there would be a LOT more abandoned amusement parks and old people pretending to be ghosts.
So Disappointed.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
“Disney movies promote false images of the friendliness of woodland creatures,” I mutter after each rabies shot.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
WHAT DO WE WANT?
RACE CAR NOISES!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM??
NEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW
*Removes smoke detector battery
**Cooks in silence
Remember when mowhawks meant you were a tough punk rocker?
Now they just mean that you’re 3 and your parents are idiots.
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
I woke up with an almighty hangover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn at 8am.
He’ll have to mow round me, I’m not moving.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
*looking in The Mirror of Erised*
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
*puts pancakes over eyes like cucumber slices*
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
The average life expectancy for a human being is one life.
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.