You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
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Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
Copied tweets with higher no. of RTs remind me of tht incident when Charlie Chaplin entered a Charlie Chaplin look-alike contest n came 3rd.
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Getting murdered would be scary, but not as scary as if the forensic guy with the white chalk would trace my body fatter than I really was
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
After my husband explained in detail what he does for work, my 6-year-old asked if he has fun at work so clearly he was not listening to a single thing my husband said.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body