[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
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if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.
We have to move now.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Welcome to Applebee’s! Can I take your order or do you need a few minutes to reflect on the mistakes you made in life that led you here?
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
the cat won’t stop drinking out of my water glass I have tried everything I have tried “hey” and even “Hey”
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
Very good! 👍😂
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
IF POT GETS LEGALIZED WHAT’S TO STOP SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO SMOKE A HORSE
i like to try new things in the bedroom like getting a full 8 hours of sleep.
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
“Can you make me look like this?” *shows hairdresser a picture of fire*
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Make good choices because ghosts are stuck with the haircut they died with.
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche