“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
You Might Also Like
Ex: Do you ever think of someone else when we have sex?
Me: No, it’s always George Clooney.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My husband is trying to tell me shopping on Amazon isn’t a hobby.
Next thing I know he’ll be saying Twitter isn’t a hobby.
nurse: name?
me: david
nurse: age?
me: 35
nurse: sex?
me: almost once
Concierge: Welcome to Paris, monsieur.
Me: You recognize this man?
*slides photo*
Concierge: That’s Pepe le Pew.
Me: If you see him you call me. *leans in* My cat’s been taken.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
I knew joining a gym was a bad idea when I got there and needed help pulling the door open.
If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Stop legislating morality, instead of serving size just TELL us what the whole party size bag of Tostitos calorie count would be FFS
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
[Sees girl watching Star Wars]
“Oh I love that movie, the way” *starts to sweat* “All those stars are at war with each other”
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
There were things in the big “I got scammed” piece that I think I’d have fallen for and things I think I wouldn’t have, but if an ostensible law enforcement officer tells me I cannot get a lawyer I am getting a Triple Deluxe Lawyer
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt