PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
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My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
Bartenders are just boneless bars
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Hey kid.. don’t let your mom tell you that you need to wait an hour after eating to go swimming. I used to eat Philly cheesesteaks IN the pool. Everything is fine.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
[School Bus Driver Interview]
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest weakness?
GREEN LANTERN: {Don’t say the color yellow} Um…children
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Me: your shoes are on the wrong feet
4yo:
Me: …….
4yo:………
Me :
4yo : but I don’t have any other feet
Me : fair enough –__–
“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”
~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…
Again
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
im not former gifted student. i am still gifted. put me in a fourth grade class i’ll annihilate them all like i did the first time
just found out the nhs had my height down as 88cm instead of 1.88 metres and now wondering if my early vaccine was because they thought i was a short dangerously large man
I like to keep a glass of water on my nightstand just in case I wake up in the middle of the night and I want to spill something.
No point crayon over spilled milk.