Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
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Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
The real miracle is that the human race still exists after being stupid enough to kill the guy who could turn water into wine…
Idiots.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
I open the door slowly, slipping inside. I keep a measured pace, breathing evenly, keeping my heartbeat low. Five steps, ten steps; I begin to relax. A voice calls from behind me, ”Sir?” I ignore it. “Sir, what’s that in your pants?” I walk faster. “Someone stop that man!” I run.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
It’s all fun and games until your kids start counting their Halloween candy.
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
I text “just met my future husband!” to at least one friend after each first date, just to ensure someone has a cute anecdote to tell at our wedding
[emergency]
[super hero appears]
GUY: It’s Doesn’t-Understand-Rhetorical-Questions Man. Boy, am I glad to see you!
HERO: I…I don’t know
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
My 4yo said “daddy, I have two poops on my phone” and I was thankful to see they were just emojis
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
I trained my dog to shake for a treat and now he works the room like the groom at his reception.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?