People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
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Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.
The four seasons are depression, allergies, tomatoes and spooky
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Old man reading a newspaper looks at me, and says, ‘The society has a long way to go.’ I told him, ‘I know — I’m from the future’
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
59 days until Christmas. I better start untangling the lights.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
I don’t regret pressing the close button in the elevator when people are running. If they have all that energy-they should take the stairs.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
My son gave me a list of things he’d like in his Easter basket.
This isn’t Christmas, kid. Do you want a chocolate bunny or not?
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
is nasa ok
My 8 year old just pointed a lady into the direction of the toy section at this K-Mart and now he’s the assistant manager
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what