I’m awake but I object,
You Might Also Like
When you break-up with someone by telling them “You’re too good for me”, they usually know it’s just a cop-out.
But in our case, I think, deep down, the Dalai Lama knew I was right.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
I played Dungeons and Dragons with my daughters.
They were supposed to fight the wolves surrounding a town.
Instead, they fed the wolves and turned them into their friendly wolf army.
Girls, man. They’ll take over the world.
I just got mistaken for an employee at a haunted house. Assume it’s because I look authoritative not because I look like I’m wearing a mask.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
I still use the word “dude”.
I don’t give a dude.
I don’t use it right, but I still dude it.
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
Remember when we had to smack the TV cause it wasn’t coming in clearly…I feel that way about too many people
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
You know dystopia has arrived when Victoria’s Secret starts selling brass braziers.
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
Not now. I’m deglazing.
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
My husband when I ask him a question while he’s standing next to me: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
Also my husband:
Me: *clears throat*
Husband from different story of the house behind two closed doors: Are you coughing?? Do you have the Rona???