[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
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My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
blocked.
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself around you
Her(flirtatiously): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you went to bathroom
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
For the well-being of our marriage, my wife and I have separate Amazon accounts.
a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
agent: *getting tortured* do your worst
villain: why would i do that
agent: it’s just… i was trying to sound tough
villain: i’m always doing my best
agent: i know. you’re doing great
villain: thanks
Spielberg’s movie “Catch Me If You Can” but it’s just me making up jobs I have so I don’t need to volunteer at school.
i’m sure it’s fine
Wanna freak people out? Lick your fingertips when you finish pumping gas.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
After a funeral I try to join the family for the lunch, the hardest part is waiting at the cemetery in the mornings to find a nice family.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.