*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
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The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Like that scene in ‘The Revenant’ where Leo is mauled by the bear but it’s just me at your wedding reception dancing with your grabby aunt.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today
Me irl
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
Why do grocery stores double-bag everything? Like why don’t you just make bags that are twice as strong?
Me: Well, time to go to bed.
[lies down, pulls sheet up, closes eyes]
Anger: Feel that rapid heart beat?
Me: I do.
Anger: You’re thinking about how Nellie Breton didn’t invite you to her pool party in 12th grade.
Me: Damn it.
My 4 year old said he wants to go to JFK for some chicken. He won’t be majoring in history.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
The reason Batman doesn’t cover his whole face is because he needs the police to know he’s white
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
I like my women like I like my ancient staircases, curvy and can send me straight to hell.
Am I fun? No. Interesting? No. Dateable? Yes. I’d place me late 20th century.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
People say the best part of freelancing is being your own boss, but really the best part is being your own employee. I hate being my own boss because my employee doesn’t respect me, but I love being my own employee because my boss is a pushover.