Trump is opting not to have celebrities at his inauguration in the same way that I opted not to take any cheerleaders to prom.
You Might Also Like
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
Crazy how women have the stereotype of being chatty when 90% of dudes have 45 minute podcasts that no one listens to…
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
You know that really private/embarrassing stuff you say to your girlfriend when no one else is around? Her friends know all that shit.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
oh my gosh!!
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
Coworker: “I hate when I forget to eat”
*Me, wiping peanut butter off of my eyebrows*
“Same”
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
The plan: slip my number to the hot guy and whisper “Let’s talk later”
How it went: slipped and fell into the hot guy and stammered “–‘stalk later”
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
“Kids are great when you need help around the house.”
– People who don’t have kids
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
me: the best things in life are free!
lawyer: again, I don’t think the bank you robbed sees it that way
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?