accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
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If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Trains delayed due to:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Sarcastic swan
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
Dear God,
Laying an egg once a month would have been preferable. Thanks for nothing.
~ All women
If you had let me finish, yes your baby looks like a disgruntled employee, but I meant of the month.
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
*shows buyers around my home*
This is where I do all my crying but you can cry anywhere really
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick