[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
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Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
Need this in my life lol
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, it’s probably better not to have matching soap and hand lotion bottles on the counter
[in bed]
Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’m watching a lot of videos about ancient Rome and one thing that kills me every time is one historical figure getting mad at another and having to sustain that anger for several months as they travel across Italy to confront them
When I kiss a girl, sometimes I dont know what to do with my hands, so I slow clap behind her head to make sure she knows I’m enjoying it.
stand with me against insufficient seating
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
you know who else had a “fun hat phase”? Abe Lincoln. and we all know what happened to THAT guy
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else