Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
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Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
Interviewer: And what are your long term goals?
Me: I was thinking cremation.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
Ours is the house that always has something on the roof that was never intended to be airborne
Didn’t want cats … had 2 cats.
Didn’t want marriage … got married 2 times.Ok Karma … I’m on to you.
I don’t want a million dollars
“Don’t worry my love, I’ll breathe for the both of us” I whisper as I drink directly from the wine bottle
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
The glockness monster
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“Don’t let a hot date turn into a due date.”–my father’s actual sex talk with me when I was 13.
Not. Even. Joking.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
who wore it better?
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
Get yourself a man who talks constantly in his sleep. You don’t have to, but I did. Tonight he said “salad salad salad”, then he grabbed me, and continued to sleep.
I assume he meant I’m a delicious life-giving snack, but he may have been suggesting a diet.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
I cut a beanbag chair open on our neighbor’s lawn. Watching him try to clean it up will be my entertainment for the day.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
*puts to and to together*
*blesses the rains down in Africa*
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.