My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Classic German Shepherd 😂
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
WIFE: Now stick to the list, okay?
ME: I will.
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[6 puppies run by]
ME: Relax, they were on sale, Karen.
He just like my cat fr
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
God: you’ll be man’s best friend
Cat: nah
God: wh-what
Cat: give the role to that guy *points at dog chasing its tail*
Dog: oh boy oh boy i won’t let you down i just love u so much! iloveuiloveuiloveu
God: ok you have a point
Dog, to cat: ilove-
Cat: *swats nose* no
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
You can tell a lot about a person when you’re a snitch
Today I am thankful that I can still move faster than the huge spider that was in my kitchen sink a few minutes ago.
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I like to send homemade gifts to people.
Which one of my kids do you want?
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.