I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
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Just finished reading my first grade students’ attempts at narrative writing. One student wrote about the “dinosaurs who lived a long time ago in 1990.”
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I once made a mistake with plurals.
It was an amazing feet.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
what my late-night hot pocket sees
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Every now and then I wear a button-down shirt just to remind myself how buttons work.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Satan: *rubbing temples* For the love of God and everything holy, put your clothes back on.
Me: Not until you turn the heat down.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale